Sunday, January 17, 2010
-DOES FAILURE LOVE ME SO MUCH?
I remember myself saying, "Please let's skip January. I am super afraid," last December 2009. Swear. I
really didn't want to reach this month. Especially with the day,
13. (I used to love this number but suddenly I had this phobia with it. There's a call with it, I just forgot.)
However, when January came, the feeling of anxiety, and fright vanished. I don't know. I was no longer afraid nor worried. The nightmare I had last December suddenly went out of my head. Maybe because I was already expecting that I couldn't make it.. that I already knew the result.. that I would surely accept it easily.
BUT it turned out NOT. I cried. I fell. I was hurt. Yes, definitely, it turned out that I could not accept it. But hell, who would not feel the same way? When others think that you could do it? When others think that you're good at it? When others expect too much from you? I guess, that's even
worse than failing your own self. RIGHT?
I FAILED my FRIENDS
I FAILED my PARENTS
and
I FAILED MYSELF
I cried, because for the
second time I failed in this matter. In this stuff wherein I think I'm good at. And again, am I really good at this? Or I'm just really trying to push myself into something I know I will never excel at? It hurts a lot. Really.
And honestly, it's my first time to think of my parents when talking about this.(I guess) I cried so hard because of them. You know the feeling wherein you already had the chance to make them proud pf you, to repay all their hardships for you, BUT you just FAILED. Man! Swear, that was the main reason why I cried! I have been a bad daughter, I know that. It would have been my ticket on saying my apology, but darn. It flew away.
Yes, another FAILURE! Am I for this???(cant put pictures of the letter. My memory card is missing. :<)
